I'm doing a talk on Sunday and it's about the New Year and the choices that we have. What will I do with this year? What and who do I want to be? I don't have the faintest idea yet on what I'll be saying but it does give me a an opportunity to look back at the last year and think about the journey I've made.

   I was looking through my diary yesterday and came across an entry from the summer. I wrote it during my training and the session was about how to cope when faced with suffering.  Will I keep faith or have doubts? How do I manage when I see terrible abuse and pain?

This for me is probably one of my lowest points during the year;

"I wanted to cry! I wanted to someone to put their arms around me, wrap me up in a cosy blanket and tell me everything would be ok. I was scared, depressed and I felt alone.

I was away at a training course and we had just had a session on suffering and about keeping faith in the face of pain. We came to a time of sharing where my partner and I were meant to discuss a difficult time and how we had found God. This would be private between us. I was paired with Ben;a kind boy who I'd prayed with several times but when that sharing moment came we couldn't bring ourselves to discuss our past pain. Later on we were put into a group of four and given Bible verses to read and a couple of quotes about suffering. In silence we spent time reading the verses and thinking about the quotes; and then in silence we stared at each other. Even now we couldn't speak.  For 2 weeks we had prayed, shared experiences&hopes with each other, wrestled with issues and become friends but when it came to facing suffering we just couldn't find the words to speak.

   I looked at the Bible verses and felt angry, they seemed patronising and useless. I'm told God doesn't cause suffering or happily allow it to happen. Our pain hurts God as much as it hurts us. Well, that may be true but at that moment I just didn't care. God might cause pain but He allows it, and why? For the gift of free will. For me the gift of free will is not a gift, the price we pay is pain and suffering.  Free will allows us to hurt people but it also allows us to worship God as our own choice, who cares? God should've made us obey him absolutely, no freedom perhaps but then neither would we have murder, torture, rape, abuse or any other kind of pain. As I looked down and re-read a quote from a concentration camp survivor who'd lost her faith I felt overwhelming anger, bitterness and hopelessness. None of us had any answers.

   Each one of us in that small group had been specially selected for mission. We had filled in forms, gone through several interviews and had in depth inquiries made about our mental and spiritual capabilities. None of us had wandered into that session by accident. It had taken us months to get into that room and we were all confident that we had been chosen by God but now? Now, we didn't feel selected or chosen. We felt hurt and lost.

I wanted to cry! I wanted to someone to put their arms around me, wrap me up in a cosy blanket and tell me everything would be ok. I was scared, depressed and I felt alone.

   The session ended and as we walked to our prayer groups I felt soo lonely. I didn't want to go away on mission, didn't want to see pain or suffering. I didn't need to prepare myself for doubt, I already was doubting and that hurt a lot. I looked at the others around me. We are Chritstians, we believe and know an all powerful and all knowing God. We are protected and loved; if we cannot face suffering without breaking down then how does the rest of the world cope?

      Nobody gave us an answer. Nobody came and gave me a nice cosy blanket to snuggle in. My only way of coping is knowing God did put his arms around me."